What if we’re still rubbish with Capello?

Oh dear. There really is nowhere left to hide. Not with Fabio Capello successfully bribed, wheedled and Chinese-burned into the England manager’s ceremonial shiny blue blazer by a heavily perspiring Brian Barwick. Capello is a horribly successful football manager. He’s the nuclear weapon of management, an unanswerable gambit, in the face of which everybody else just chucks in their cards and slopes off home.

Which makes his appointment a uniquely terrifying moment for English football, for so long muffled in its king-size duvet of excuses, off-games Authentic Prada Canvas Bag notes and hard luck stories. The Capello trap is simple: if he’s not a good Authentic Prada Outlet Online Usa coach, then nobody’s a good coach. Failure with Capello would, and probably will, represent failure on an epic scale. No better time, then, to come up with some convincing reasons why, actually, it’s all his fault.

The rudimentary English

Already slyly being worked up into a plausible gripe. Note that Capello’s grasp of Bicester Village Prada Store Number English is always described as “rudimentary” – a word generally used only in behavioural studies of chimpanzees or feral gorillas. This is how we feel prada Authentic Prada Handbags Canada about people who don’t speak our language. Never mind Capello’s fluent Spanish and French: the big baboon has barely mastered the Queen’s subjunctive. It’s the Churchillian oratory, you see. That’s what the lads really missed over there in Ukraine, Ray.

The mental block

Capello keeps insisting our players have a mental block. We like this, because right now it feels good to have someone Black Leather Prada Milano Purse imply Best Prada Outlet In Florence that we’re slightly stupid. In fact, our current slough of self-loathing is at the heart of stern-faced Fabio’s high approval ratings. Employing him is like rubbing ourselves all over with a Brillo pad dipped in vinegar. Yes, Fabio: tell us about the mental block again. We deserve it. The only problem is: what if we don’t have a mental block at all? What if we’re just mediocre and overrated? Fabio never mentioned that.

The iron sergeant business

Nicknamed the Iron Sergeant, Capello is also said to have an iron fist inside an iron glove. Is this too much iron? At best, it’s slightly creepy. Pity poor Jermain Defoe at that moment on the England bench during the decisive trip to Ukraine, when Fabio’s iron fist absent-mindedly rests, chillingly, on his track-suited thigh. On the plus side he doesn’t suffer fools or indulge superstars with big egos. Although, in the context of the England team, this is a bit like taking over a baked bean factory and vowing to banish the tomato sauce while simultaneously rooting out the haricots. Leaving Are All Prada Handbags Leather us with what, exactly, Fabio?

The Goya situation

“I like the ‘Black’ period in Goya’s career or some of Velasquez’s best work,” he’s quoted as saying. This looks like a more serious problem. Art history? What would Sir Alf Ramsey say? Probably something like “one is disinclinated to discuss them type of matters”. England managers simply don’t talk like this. They stick to “the lads are 120% up for it” or “we might nick something Barberino Factory Outlet Prada late doors”. Anything more intellectually complex than a DVD box set of Inspector Morse at the team hotel and people start to get twitchy.

The Shearer conundrum

The only genuine sign of inherited England manager madness to date. Astonishingly, Capello let it be known he might consider including the novice Alan Shearer in his backroom Black Prada Doctor Bag team, presumably for those training ground master classes in walking backwards while aggressively hectoring a linesman. English football does at least Are Prada Trainers Made In Vietnam have one distinctly Italian element, it’s own kind of mafia. And just when we thought we were out – they pull us back in.