Stepanovs, Stepping up, Stepping down

BODY BEAUTIFUL

Imagine, Arsenal fans, that Authentic Prada Messenger Bag For Sale you were Dr Frankenstein. Imagine you had enough demonic power – and, of course, electricity – to create your perfect central defender. Obviously he would be big, strong and able to shoot his hand up for offside even in his sleep. That much goes without saying. And a penchant for near-post flick-ons and the West End play ‘Art’ would be nice too. Hang on a minute though, that’s a perfect synthesis of Tony Adams and Steve Bould – and surely that’s impossible!

Well think again, because that defender already exists. His name is Igors Stepanovs, he’s a Latvian international and – control yourself you Gooners – he’s signed for About Prada Products Arsenal. “Igors can definitely do a job in the Premiership. He is in the same mould as Tony Adams, which is why he will fit in so well at the Arsenal,” said Graham Johnson, Latvia’s English coach (who, in case you’re wondering, used to manage Cambridge). “The lad was magnificent against Scotland [at the weekend],” Johnson went on. “Steve Rowley [the Arsenal scout] was full of praise for the lad and thought there was a bit of Steve Bould in his game as well.”

That’s some billing, and the 6ft 3ins centre-back could prove his worth as soon as this Wednesday. Because with Tony Adams out – reportedly for a month – and with a fresh-smelling work permit arriving at Highbury this very morning, Stepanovs looks likely to be hurled into the lions’ den (well, Stamford Bridge). Not that Johnson, Stepanov’s one-man fan club, is worried. “I have told him if he plays like he did against Scotland in the Premiership he will soon be a millionaire in England,” he twittered. But what will Stepanovs do with the money? Buy Lee Dixon’s thigh muscles, we would wager.

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NOT-SO CLEVER TREVOR

The Fiver loves the Sunday papers. They’re as important a part of the weekend as the Saturday fry-up and the Friday night vomit. The Sunday papers are what make this country great. After Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Online Shopping all, where else could you read about the latest in light fittings, catch up with the movements of your local paedophile, get the recipe for a meal comprised entirely of artichokes, or read Birmingham City chairman David Sullivan having a pop at his manager, Trevor Francis, over two pages?

Sky pundit Francis declared over the weekend that there is a conspiracy aimed at forcing him out of St Andrews. Sullivan told the Birmingham Sunday Mercury that Francis should stop talking like that, if he doesn’t want to be forced out of the club. “I would describe Trevor’s reaction as paranoia,” Sullivan said. “His nature is one of pessimism. He paints a gloomy picture and has a policy of talking the team down. That way if we do badly he can say ‘I told you so’. But if we do well he can tell us all what a wonderful manager he is.”

Francis, when not making Richard Keys look like an erudite afficionado of the Bergdorf Goodman Prada Mens Shoes game, has over the course of the past four seasons used porn magnate Sullivan’s millions to steer the Blues away from promotion and acquire a complete collection of Mediocre Players ?. Not that Sullivan believes Francis would cut it even if he did make it to the Premiership. “The task of staying there would be phenomenal and he might say ‘I don’t need this in my life’,” Sullivan said. So, all in all, a ringing endorsement. That Trev should just chill out – he’ll do himself a misfortune.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“It’s a lie. I am not a crook, I do not have to hide in my house. These accusations make me upset and I cannot allow them.”

Brazil manager Wanderley Luxemburgo responds to allegations that he accepted bribes and forged documents about his age. He certainly sounds innocent to us.

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NWANK-WOE

Arsenal’s Nwankwo Kanu Authentic Prada Bags For Cheap has written to the Nigerian FA asking to be left out of their squad for the Olympic games. The Nigerian FA were not best pleased by the request. A spokesman said: “We are very unhappy about this development – more so when the player had given us his word that he would play in Sydney. Kanu should not work against his country.” It is now expected Authentic Prada Clothing that Kanu will not travel Authentic Prada Canvas Bag to Sydney. In a (parallel) world exclusive The Fiver reprints the letter in full below.

Dear Black Prada Bag With Gold Mr Nigerian FA

Hallo, my name is Nwankwo. I have been picked in your 22 man squad to play in the Olympics in Sydney. I have always liked Australia. It looks pretty in Neighbours, the television programme that I watch by myself after training. I am so lonely.

Anyway, Mr Nigerian FA, I am writing to say that I will not be coming to Sydney because Mr Wenger doesn’t want me to. Oh, what have I said? I mean to say that I will not be coming to Sydney because my dog ate it. Oh, how silly! Of course I meant that I will not be coming to Sydney because of pressing concerns at home (it is very big, I have no cleaner, the smaller dining room is getting dusty etc).

I wish you all the best in your Olympic endeavours.

Yours truly,

Nwankwo Kanu

PS If you are ever in London, please do not hesitate to contact me. I here am free every afternoon. And evening. And most mornings too. Don’t be a stranger! * * * * * * * * * * * * *

THE RUMOUR MILL

Shay Given has expressed an interest in re-joining Celtic. “I’ve been in negotiations with Newcastle about a new contract but nothing has been sorted out,” he told the Daily Record. “If Celtic came in for me I would definitely consider moving back.”

Southampton have denied they will sell Marian Pahars, despite rumoured interest from Celtic.

Dutch side Roda are lining up a bid for Sheffield Wednesday striker Gerald Sibon, after missing out on Erik Meijer.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Jesper Blomqvist faces another lengthy spell on the sidelines after suffering another knee injury. The Swedish international will have an exploratory operation on his other knee and will be out for at least a month.

Huddersfield striker Clyde Wijnhard has undergone an operation to pin a compound fracture of his arm after he was involved in a serious car accident. The 26-year-old was involved in the accident when his Mercedes jeep left the road on the A1 in the early hours of yesterday.

Uefa have fined Aston Villa 5,200 for “the improper conduct of the team” during the two legs of their Intertoto Cup match with Celta Vigo. Meanwhile Aberdeen have been fined 4,000 for the same offence after their second leg against Bohemians.

Moldovan side Constructorul-93 Chisinau have been banned from European club competitions for a year after a member of the club threatened the assistant referee with a gun, following their tie against CSKA Sofia last month.

Celtic’s chief executive Allan MacDonald has announced he will quit the club after only 18 months in the post. An announcement to the Stock Market read: “Mr Allan MacDonald has informed the board of his intention to resign from his position as chief executive of Celtic plc and return to a career outside the football sector.”

The draw for the third round of the Bell’s Challenge Cup is: Airdrie v Clydebank, East Stirling v Stenhousemuir, Stranraer v Arbroath, Livingston v Brechin.

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TONIGHT’S TV AND RADIO

Sky Sports 3: Football League Review (5pm) “Never mind this rubbish about McCaff,” says Gareth Devine. “Kamara is the future of sports broadcasting. Even as a red-blooded male, I must admit to a certain frisson Are Prada Handbags Cheaper In Italy of sexual excitement every time the old smoothie utters one of his catchphrases, such as ‘Tremendous, smashing or brilliant.'”

British Eurosport: World Authentic Prada Shoes For Sale Cup Football (6pm) “His footballing talent is remembered by young and old throughout the country, his smog-monster Middlesbrough accent is ready-made for TV, his smooth debonair charm is a hit with the ladies,” he continues

Sky Sports 1: World Football Show (7.30pm) And there’s more: “Put the powerful voice of the Fiver behind what this nation truly wants. Together, we can make Kamara great!” Gareth insists.

Sky Sports 1: You’re On Sky Sports! (10pm, 2.30am) But surely the nation loves McCaff, not Kamara. Don’t you?!